A learning module that begins with the satirical article "Natural Selection Kills 38 Quadrillion Organisms in Bloodiest Day" by The Onion Staff, accompanied by guided reading questions, assessment questions, and discussion questions. The text can be printed as a PDF or assigned online through free teacher and student accounts. Text tools include a dictionary, read-aloud options, a translator, a highlighter, and more. This module also includes paired text options, related media, an answer key, and a parent guide. [Free account registration required for specific tools.]